kill the urge to be chosen + choose yourself

be your own best friend

i like to think of myself as my own best friend. i take myself on solo dates like picnics in the park to read or watching new releases at the movie theater. doing things alone has been pivotal in my self-development and it has empowered me to never rely on others or a man to fill your cup.

i owe my deep love for solitude to my college experience and also to my boyfriend (of 9 years 🥰). although i had an incredible experience living my dream of being a collegiate athlete and earning my Bachelor’s degree in finance, i had a difficult time making friends. finding genuine connections that weren’t forced upon me from being apart of a team was extremely isolating. i witnessed two-faced behavior and ultimately, chose to not put effort into ‘friendships’ that were not really there. as a 17 year old freshman in college, i was hurt, asking myself ‘what’s wrong with me’ every time i wasn’t included and i was in a very dark place with emotions of not feeling wanted. i constantly molded myself to be liked by other people and grew apart from who i truly was. i was not myself, rather a version that craved inclusivity and attention.

the only person who poured energy and effort into me was my boyfriend even while doing distance for 4 years. he would remind me that people’s perceptions of you is not your responsibility and if people are committed to misunderstanding you, then you will always be the villain in the story.

the end of my freshman year is when i decided to take back control over my emotions and not let other people dictate the way i feel. i ate lunch and dinner alone nearly every single day, took myself on solo studying and reading dates, and honestly just did everything alone. it is empowering releasing the urge to be included and chosen, and it is empowering doing things alone without the fear of looking stupid. with that being said, i wanted to share why you should do things alone even if you have a partner or best friend.

1. you get to know yourself on a deeper level.

when you're alone, there’s no pressure to perform or accommodate anyone else. you aren’t influenced directly because you’re alone so you can truly identify what truly excites you, what drains you, and what you genuinely enjoy. without distractions, you can truly be present and fully absorb the moment. especially in today’s world where we are constantly connected with other people through social media, it’s even more important in your self-development to be alone in solitude, absorbing the moment and letting your mind quiet down.

not only are you identifying your true interests and quieting your mind, you are also strengthening your emotional independence. being that i'm in a 9 year relationship, my boyfriend and I’s constant is taking ourselves out on solo dates. we both believe that in order to be the best partner to each other, you must find your own interests and spend time alone to spend more intentional time together. if i have to constantly rely on my boyfriend to do things, i will develop emotional dependence that can be harmful in the long run. i do not want to need someone to soothe or distract me from my emotions. learning how to regulate your emotions builds resilience and your identity aside from your relationship, and honestly makes you a better human being. (i think the world would be a better place if we learned how to regulate our emotions) who are you without your partner? who are you without your friends? who are you when nobody is watching? what are your interests apart from doing things with your partner/friends?

the #1 thing i do that makes me feel like an absolute baddie is making decisions based off of my interests and tastes. i no longer ask people ‘is this cute?’ or ‘what do you think?’ because i’m able to make opinions and decisions that do not rely on other people’s tastes and opinions. not asking for someone’s opinion may seem like a small unimportant thing, but it has a compound effect that directly translates into who you are as a person. your taste is not just with how you dress - your taste is what you read, what you consume digitally, what you eat and ultimately, how you carry yourself.

2. be the main character of your life

although going to a cafe, taking yourself on a picnic, watching a movie, or taking yourself out to dinner alone can be intimidating, you subconsciously are proving to yourself that you are capable. it is empowering not relying on someone else to make you feel comfortable doing something and it is empowering not caring about other people’s opinions.

waiting around and scheduling things according to other people’s schedules is subconsciously allowing others to control your life. what are you waiting for? become the main character of your life. take yourself out for dinner! go on a solo movie date! no one is stopping you and no one is judging you besides yourself.

one of my favorite things to do by myself is just taking myself on a walk listening to my favorite playlist. if this seems daunting, i challenge you to try! go on a 10 minute walk, listen to your favorite music and enjoy being present without others.

3. you become the company you keep

when you are constantly around others, you absorb their energy and opinions whether you like it or not. choose wisely and schedule alone time to recalibrate and realign so you can move intentionally, and be true to yourself and values. what are your opinions outside of your friend group? what are your values?

social settings often make us subconsciously filter our words and shift our energy to match the vibe, forcing us to curate a certain image of ourselves. although it’s beneficial to be social and interact with others, i think it’s even more beneficial to recharge alone and realign.

solitude also sparks creativity. if you are constantly around people, digesting their opinions and energy - how will you allow your ideas to flow more freely? solitude clears mental clutter and creates space for creativity.

all in all, solitude is not isolation. doing things alone is empowering and creates a deep relationship within yourself so you are no longer dictated by who shows up, approves or understands you. i believe that your quality of life significantly improves when you do not seek external validation to do things and you can actually develop your own personal opinions and values.

i hope you enjoyed this newsletter and i hope this inspires you to take yourself on more solo dates! stop relying on other people and trust your intuition. what are some of your favorite things to do alone? 🤍